batterfly

Turns out... Sheapos;s just being the same old Phanie she always was...


she promised sheapos;d try to call me more, and call me when she said she would....


well, fuck it.

she WAS okay, she just "didnapos;t call"

ugh.. She had no excuse for it... She really didnapos;t SAY anything about it.... Sometimes i think sheapos;s hiding something from me.


today she sounded a little suspicious when she called the house phone (since i wasnapos;t answering mine)


she didnapos;t say much... She wouldnapos;t say why she couldnapos;t go somewhere else to talk to me, since everyone was in the same room with her, she didnapos;t argue with me when i told her she didnapos;t care about me, or well, in her voice it sounded like she could give to fucks that i was upset.

she didnapos;t care that for 8 hours last night that i was frantically trying to get a hold of her because i thought she was dead or something. She knew i was trying to get a hold of her when Nina and Jenn physically told her, "Hey... Stacieapos;s trying to get a hold of you, said you werenapos;t answering your phone..."

that didnapos;t seem to trigger something in her head to call me...




i donapos;t get her anymore. I donapos;t trust what she tells me anymore, which is sad, because i was starting to trust her again when she would give me the fucking run around about why she never called.


either sheapos;s fucking around behind my back, or sheapos;s getting wated on these nights that she doesnapos;t call.... I really donapos;t know... But.. Theres no fucking excuse for not trying to get in contact with me for 8 straight hours. If your phone doesnapos;t work, use someone elses. If youapos;re too fucking busy, just text me, hey baby, call you in a few. But 8 hours of not calling? and that was because she just texted me after ignoring my texts for 3 hours prior to that of me asking, "Are you getting my texts? I hate wondering....." and her saying, "Yeah i got em, call you in 20 minutes."

i donapos;t know anymore.





right now i donapos;t want to have anything to do with her. She promised she wouldnapos;t do this to me. She doesnt know what its like to not hear from someone she loves for almost a whole day and worry about why they havenapos;t called. She doesnapos;t realize that because sheapos;s gone that i think sheapos;s dead somewhere... Like in some car crash or something... And thereapos;s no way of calling a friend to check on her... If sheapos;s hurt sheapos;s hurt, thereapos;s no way of telling.


it fucking hurts. It makes me think she really doesnapos;t fucking care about me. Like iapos;m this big nothing to her just because sheapos;s got all this other shit happening for her.

i hate that she makes me feel this way, then switches it on me and tells me sheapos;s going to change and then a few days later she hits me with it all over again.



i just.. I canapos;t deal with it today... Its so fucking stupid and i donapos;t want to have to worry about it anymore. Even though i preoccupied myself last night so i wasnapos;t sitting by my phone or the computer wondering where she was... I still wondered amongst all the chaos i was thrown into. I still texted while i was in the middle of people skanking into me, i still texted when Genevieve decided to harass the anti-abortion protesters sitting in front of Planned Parenthood, steal some signs and turn us into fugitives... I STILL fucking called and texted...

i may have slight ADD, but iapos;m not distracted from my everyday life (when i do actually have one) and forget to call or even remember you.






i feel like trash. Or like some fucking goldfish. That you only have for show (not that iapos;m much to look at) and feed... But when youapos;re gone, its the last thing you think about. (although i DO worry about my tiny pets and plants when iapos;m away and hope theyapos;re not dead when i come back... I actually ask how theyapos;re doing...)

i donapos;t want to have to deal with it today.



whether she apologizes today, or gives me a legit reason... Im not forgiving her so quickly. Sheapos;s on probabtion.. Hah... I just feel disgusted with myself.


why have me here? why am i here?











im sorry for always crying about my "life" but sheapos;s my everything. And when sheapos;s gone and does this to me.. It hurts the most.

she makes me cry all the time. It makes me unhappy. But. Maybe she hates me because iapos;m a big nothing right now with no job.


at least iapos;m trying.





















right?














...

airline pnr, batterfly, batterfield 1942, batterfield, batterfang.